two poems i found. and enjoy.

AFTER A WHILE   (Veronica Shoftshall, 1971)

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept
your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child

And you learn to build
all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn
that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn.

AFTER "AFTER A WHILE"

After 'after a while'
You want to hold a hand not to chain a soul but
to enjoy its company,
and you want someone's lips to kiss,
not because you are lonely but because you are
happy, and you want to give presents
and you want to make promises.

After 'after a while'
You begin to accept your defeats like an adult,
but like a child, will want someone to listen
and care,
and you want someone who will build roads with
you today so maybe you can pave the way for your
future together.

After 'after a while'
You want someone's sunshine and warmth,
but also accept the rain and the cold,
and you want to give flowers picked from your
own garden.

And when your garden is picture perfect,
you want it to be more than a picture
even if it means having to be imperfect
because you want someone in it to stay and to
live.
Then you'll see that there is
such a thing as love...
and that you were made to live in someone else's
garden...
and you'll know that there is more to life than
yourself.

AND NOW...
You realize that no matter how tightly you hold,
if you're meant to let go, you can
And then you will understand that love
gives you reasons to understand
even the most complicated situations
And you will grow older believing that just
because you have convictions
doesn't mean you're always right

You will remember lips because of the smiles
that made your day,
the words that touched your soul, not only
because of the sweet kisses
And as you graciously accept defeat and absorb
the meaning of lessons
learned,
You feel that you are finally being the person
you never thought you'd be

So, armed with courage, strength and confidence,
you will face the world
head on...
With or without an army behind you
Because you know your worth and that alone is an
armor 

authentic love.

growing up, almost everything i learned about loving other people, i learned from my mother. she taught me what it means to be a person of integrity; to appreciate those who love you and be kind anyways to those who don't. i grew up without really knowing what it meant to be jealous of someone because my mom so emphasized that we always celebrate when good things happen for others...even if we're not necessarily fond of those "others."

i want in all situations to say i can hope the best in and for someone. whether it's a family member, a friend, a stranger, or someone who is....not a friend.

"But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you! In that way, you will be acting as true children of your Father in heaven. For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike. If you love only those who love you, what reward is there for that? Even corrupt tax collectors do that much. If you are kind only to your friends, how are you different from anyone else? Even pagans do that." Matthew 5:44-47

to hope the best in another is to say, no matter our relationship or what you've done, i believe in you. it's saying that if you have hurt me, i choose to believe that it was not out of malicious intent. i choose to believe that your intentions are good and that you've simply slipped up as all people do. i choose to believe that you are created in the image of our Creator.

to hope the best for someone is to elevate someone else above yourself. it's saying that if you receive a position or award that i wanted, i will celebrate. it's saying that no matter what i think you "deserve", i will hope for your victory. it's saying that your success is my success.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." -Philippians 2:3-4


so, i have two choices. i can hope the best in/for those around me, or i can not.

the first brings hope into my own life. it brings peace and a knowledge that i am not in control of all situations, but i am in control of how i respond to them. it brings freedom from the lie that my perspective is better. it brings opportunity to show the love and grace that Jesus has shown me. the latter brings pride, bitterness, anger, jealousy....the list goes on.

praying that i'm able to wake up each morning and give my day to the Lord - asking Him to help me see His people the way He does.

it's hard.

and it's worth it.

you grieve differently when you have hope.

"when i am afraid, i put my trust in You." psalm 56:3


i'm learning how to apply this to my life. right now. 
it's hard.


"peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." john 14:27


God is consistently showing me that He is not who i think He is. He's so much more.


fear is so circumstantial. and God is not. 


"my heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever." psalm 73:26


and the idea that if we entrust our lives to Him, everything will go smoothly is a lie. that's prosperity theology. it's putting gifts above the Giver. and it is not the gospel.  


"God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him." -John Piper


i feel confident in the fact that in the future, i will look back on this time in my life and be compelled to worship. my perspective is small. right now, i don't get it. and i think that's all the more reason to cling to the One who does. 

"Nothing is more powerful than an idea whose time has come."

There's something that you need to know. Are you ready?

Have you heard of Invisible Children? It is a movement. A big one. If you don't know about it, you can read more here.

Right now, Invisible Children is running a film campaign to make a man famous - not to celebrate him, but to bring him to justice. His name is Joseph Kony.

Joeseph Kony is #1 on the list of worst criminals in the International Crimes Court. For 26 years he has led unimaginable attacks of mindless killing and slaughter against the children and people of Uganda and several other African countries. He needs to be stopped. But there's a problem...

99% of the planet doesn't know who he is.

Kony2012 is a movement to make him known in our world so that something can be done.

"It's hard to look back on some parts of human history because when we heard about injustice, we cared, but we didn't know what to do. Too often we did nothing. But if we're going to change that we have to start somewhere."

The US is deploying troops to help, and we want to see this continued. This situation is the first time in history that the US has taken this sort of military action - not for self defense or economic gain - but because it is what's right.

Do you believe that where you live should determine whether you live? Do you care?

Check out this video -

KONY 2012 from INVISIBLE CHILDREN on Vimeo.


and then sign up here - www.kony2012.com

and here is a link to Daryl's blog ... someone older and wiser than me, who's a bit better at articulating things.

blue skies are coming.

i love blogs. i love reading about other peoples lives. seeing what they're doing. how they're doing things.
i even love to write in my own.
but i rarely write in my own blog. and i think it has to do with some kind of fear.
i think if i don't have something great or exciting or profound to say that...
well, i don't know what. someone won't like it? maybe.
i also think i resort to vague and funny facebook status updates so people don't actually know what's going on in my life. not that everyone needs or wants to know, but i think there's something to be said for authenticity and humility.
i don't want to portray my life as picture perfect because it's not.
it's messy. and i'm assuming that's ok because everyone else's lives are messy too.
i've been inspired by some of my friends like meghan and stephanie and laura and others who write regularly about real life things.
so, expect to see more of me on here. i hope...

today i've been oh so encouraged by the sunshine.
the last two weeks have been long. and stressful. and so cold.
these blue skies are reminding me of grace. of light at the end of the tunnel. of promise.

great is your faithfulness

some of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite books.

"To this very place she was in the habit of going very early every morning to meet him and learn his wishes and commands for the day, and again in the evenings to give her report on the days work."

"She looked at him piteously, then said, 'Do I wish to turn back? O Shepherd, to whom should I go? In all the world I have no one but you. Help me to follow you, even though it seems impossible. Help me to trust you as much as I long to love you."

" 'Others have gone this way before me,' she thought, 'and they could even sing about it afterwards. Will he who is so strong and gentle be less faithful and gracious to me, weak and cowardly though I am, when it is so obvious that the thing he delights in most of all is to deliver his followers from all their fears and to take them to the high places?' "

" 'No,' said the Shepherd, 'it is not contradiction, only postponement for the best to become possible.' "

" 'Even if you can not tell me why it has to be, I will go with you, for you know I do love you, and you have the right to choose for me anything that you please.' "

"...[she] fell on her knees [...] and worshipped. It seemed to her at the moment that all the pain and the postponement, all the sorrows and trials of the long journey she had made, were as nothing compared to the glory which shone before her."

"The Shepherd laughed too. 'I love doing preposterous things,' he replied. 'Why I don't know anything more exhilarating and delightful than turning weakness into strength, and fear into faith, and that which has been marred into perfection."

-Hinds Feet on High Places

preperation

"we have to BLOG about this! i don't even have a blog!!...i'm gonna go ask for help. you put your cute face on." -kloe swartz

apparently kloe thought this a blog worthy event...so i'll trust her and go with it :)

last night one of my fave people kloe swartz came over from bremerton and stayed over at my house. we went and got coffee and went to citychurch and ate entirely too much random food. fun times. then today, we got in the car to go visit hayden kolb in her first week at college when i realized - oops! i need gas! 

now this is not an uncommon occurrence for me. i've been known to let my gas tank get down to negative empty before i finally get to the gas station. but i have NEVER run completely out of gas before. until today.

we leave my house and are on the way to the gas station when suddenly my car just turns OFF. i guess that's what happens when your gas tank is entirely void of fuel. who knew? but good news! we were at the top of a very steep hill! thank you Jesus! now the gas station we were headed to was across the freemont bridge and up another very steep hill. i knew there was no way we'd make it. but as my car came to a stop, i looked down to the bottom of the hill, and saw it - the gleaming yellow of the the shell station sign. glory!

we coasted down the hill, quite eventfully as i discovered i no longer had completely functioning brakes (why does EVERYTHING stop working when the gas is gone!?) and straight into the gas station where my car completely dies about 5 feet away from the pump. WE MADE IT! ...almost. 

this is the part where kloe exclaims "we have to BLOG about this! i don't even have a blog!!...i'm gonna go ask for help. you put your cute face on." she then walks into the gas station store and promptly finds an adorable young man who comes out and pushes my car up to the pump. what a gentleman!

all this got me thinking about preparation. it's what mark had talked about at citychurch last night and seemed to fit with what happened today. i so poorly prepared for the drive i needed to make today. i ran my car OUT of gas. completely empty. i kept putting off what needed to be done (filling the tank) and just tried to get by on what little i had until it DIED. it's a pretty accurate picture of what my spiritual life so often looks like.

last night mark talked about how it's important to value preparation as much as the value of the promise God has for our lives. it's like in sports or in school. mastering a subject or a sport takes practice. you can't just show up on the big day of a test/game and hope good things happen. or how about when we stay up all night studying that material for the test we've known about for weeks? the day before is not time to learn it, it's time to rehearse it. 

in joshua 3 and 4, God is preparing Joshua and his people to overtake jericho and lead them to the promise land. they've been waiting and waiting. and waiting. for years. some of them have died waiting. and now joshua tells them  to keep their eyes on the arch and follow it through the Jordan river - that God will show them which way to go and do amazing things among them.

all they want is deliverance. they just want what has been promised to them. and now they have to walk through the jordan river? this is not like a little creek or stream. this is a raging river with strong currents. the thing is, when we follow God's plans for our lives, when we zoom out from our own small perspective and admit that maybe God knows what He's doing, big things tend to happen. miracles happen in preparation. 

so they listen. the follow even though they have "never been this way before," and the river parts. THE RIVER PARTS. that's a big deal. it's a miracle. 

God has big promises for our lives. do you believe it? God has big things for your life. He does.

and the time in between now and when we reach it isn't worthless. it's preparation. time where He's shaping us into the person He created us to be. but what's important in the preparation isn't making sure we're perfect or fashioning our gifts just right so we look great to everyone else - it's seeking Him. remembering what He's already done.

what happens if i walk into my promised land of what God's made me to be and i've spent all the time before it separated from relationship with Him? if i haven't been talking to Him and spending time with him. if i wait until the day before so i can stay up all night cramming into my brain what i think is important. if i show up on the big day and just hope good things happen. 

how much will i miss out on? how many miracles have i missed in the preparation? how sad is that?

i don't want to let my spiritual gas tank get down to empty. i don't want to find myself surrounded by trouble with a small vision and empty gas tank completely stressed out that God's not going to come through. i want to march through the jordan river of my life with full confidence that God is not always safe, but He is always good and His plan is greater than mine. His route to my promised land is better than mine. and in the midst of it He's shaping me more and more into who i was created to be. amen.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.  We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne.    Hebrews 12:1-2