waiting expectantly.

time is flying by. there's a list of things to be done and said and bought. and a list of lists. before i have time to check off one more to do, today is yesterday and i've moved no further than the couch. i'm looking forward to the day that i come to the end of myself. a realization, you know? how does that saying go? "why do i keep hitting myself with a hammer? ...because it feels so good when i stop." there's something i'm missing. and it's so close to the front of my face that i'm looking right through it. it's frightening. i wonder what God sees when He looks at me. when He looks at anybody. i have a feeling that i'm getting this wrong. i've been paralyzed. i'm still running as fast as i can into a brick wall.
i'm worried about what it is we see. and how to turn that into what God sees. we see things in pictures. two dimensional images. i have a photo of a girl named anastacia. and it's beautiful. but her situation isn't. she doesn't know her own family and i wonder if she lies awake at night between 9 other sleeping children wondering why she's there. where is her family? why don't they want her? doesn't God see her pain? we don't. not in that picture.
i think lately i'm just really caught up in world views. and national views. and community views. and individual views. no one sees anything clearly. not really. we've all bought into ideologies and false consciouness that prove justification enough to let us sleep at night. i can't even wrap my mind around how i'm feeling because...how would i? reading all of this over again i can see how it doesn't especially flow together or even make sense. i'm glad that i am not in charge and that God is in control.